Dear John letters
by magensby
Summary: John McBain deals with the loss of Evangeline Williamson. Images from the past carry him on a journey he never expected.
1. Chapter 1

**Un-betaed**

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 **Dear John letters**

 **Chapter 1**

What a crazy few months it has been tracking down, capturing and watching Eli Bennett pay for all of the pain he has caused. His deceitfulness of claiming that Evangeline left an advanced directive requesting termination of life support cost her life. Although her family will never forgive themselves for actually 'pulling the plug' they do now know that the culprit has been brought to justice.

Months ago when her sister, Layla, returned from visiting Evangeline and told me that Evangeline died I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. I shed a tear. Evangeline had been in a coma for three years but I thought that she would eventually recover from it. I even bought a bottle of wine to share with her when she returned home. It was the same kind of wine that we drank when we were locked in Mary Barnes' basement. The same night that we first made love. I didn't know it then but I know it now. We made love that night and that began the start of our relationship. But now she's dead and I will never get to share that wine with her, never get to see her smile, never get to hear her voice ever again.

As I clear the last files off of my desk and prepare to leave for the evening I look up at my file cabinet and see the football that she gave me so many years ago. Why I kept it I don't really know. Does one keep things given to them by their exes? Well I kept that football and I'm glad that I did. It's the only thing that I have left of her except that picture that we took at Nora's wedding to Daniel Colson. I don't want to think about that fiasco with Nora and Daniel Colson. That's best left in the past. Let me get my head out of the fog and go home, take a shower, and have a nice cold beer. I'll stop at the diner to get some food to take home with me.

/

Working long hours on the Bennett case just didn't allow me much time for anything else but now that's over. Just as I pass the front desk of my apartment building and start up the stairs to my room I hear Roxie Balsam call my name.

" _Johnny boy you have a package"_ she goes behind the desk and pulls it out and hands it to me.

I thank her for the package and head to my room but not before she adds, _"Did you buy something nice for Natalie, is that what's in the package?"_

" _No Roxie this is not for Natalie and I have no idea what is in the package. Thank you and good night."_

Surprisingly she has nothing else to say and I turn and walk up the stairs to my room. Arriving home I'm glad that I cleaned my apartment over the weekend because it was starting to look very shabby. I place the package on the table in front of my sofa. I opt to take a shower and eat before I open the package.

The food and the beer satisfy me and then I put the package on my lap to open it. Not until now did I ever look at the postmark. It is from Maryland. I don't know anyone in Maryland. Then I remember that Evangeline's mother lives in Maryland. Taped to the front of the box is a sealed envelope that I detach and open.

' _Dear John,_

 _First I want to thank you for getting justice for Evangeline by capturing that evil man Eli Bennett. My Cookie died because of his treachery. John I know that we have not always gotten along but I will put that aside now because this time you did right by Evangeline._

 _After all of this time I'm finally sorting through her things and imagine my surprise when I find this box with your name on it. I have not looked through the box. I just taped it up and sent it to you. I thought that since Evangeline kept it all of these years that I should not just throw it out. I'm sending it to you because I think that is what she would want me to do._

 _Take care of yourself John. I know that Evangeline would want you to be happy._

 _Lisa Williamson'_

It goes without saying that I am shocked to receive not only the letter from Mrs. Williamson but also a box of things that Evangeline had. I put the letter aside and sort through the box. Inside are some clothes that I assume are mine such as a shirt, sweater, socks, a tie clip, and at the bottom of the box is a bundle of letters wrapped with a blue ribbon. Removing the ribbon I notice that each envelope has the words 'Dear John'. Putting the clothing and jewelry back in the box and placing the box back on the table I concentrate on the letters. I don't count how many there are but instead look at how the handwriting differs from the letter on the bottom to the letter on the top. Some of the envelopes are wrinkled as if water had dropped on them. One even has a lipstick kiss on it. I open that one first.

' _Dear John,_

 _Tonight I will never forget! It is my birthday and I'm looking at your gift to me. You gave me your mother's pearls. I told you that I couldn't accept them without a greater commitment on your part and you told me to just turn around and you put them on my neck. I wanted to cry for joy. Do you feel for me what I feel for you John? Do you love me like I love you?_

 _Evangeline'_

I don't know what to say or how to feel. Her love was so pure and I did not appreciate it. How could I have been so blind? Now too late I realize that I did love her and will **never** get the chance to show her or tell her. ( **To Be Continued or not)**

 **A/N:** Just a little something I've had running through my thoughts and wanted to put it to paper. What do you think about it?


	2. Chapter 2

**Un-betaed**

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 **Dear John letters**

(This chapter is a bit short. Trying to show the effect that the first letter has on John. Don't want this to get into the realm of supernatural because that is really not my forte but do want to show how these letters cause John to replay and reassess many of his interactions with Evangeline. Give me some feedback. Thnx.)

 **Chapter 2 First reaction**

Do you remember when you were a kid and got a treat? You wanted to savor it. You didn't want to eat it fast but you wanted to sip, nip, or just make it last as long as you could. Well that's how I want to savor these letters from Evangeline. I don't want to read them all at once. I now have something else from her that I can treasure. So I take the box of clothes and put them in my closet but the letters I put in my nightstand to read each night before I go to bed. The letter with the kiss mark I take again and read.

I remember the night of her birthday. I was late to arrive and RJ was standing talking to her. She was seated at the table and I bent down and kissed her cheek. We ate dinner and then she wanted to open her present but I suggested that we go to the patio for a little privacy. She was hesitant to receive the pearls but I insisted. They looked so good on her. That would have been a golden opportunity for me to tell her how grateful I was to have her in my life. Why did I fight my feelings for her?

Preparing for bed I lay the letter on the pillow next to me. She would use that pillow when she slept here with me. I fall into a restful sleep.

(Dreaming)

/I'm on the patio again with Evangeline. We're sitting at the table and the box of pearls is there. I present them to her. She tells me that she can't accept them without a greater commitment. I tell her to turn around and I place them on her neck. I tell her how beautiful they look on her. I kiss her.

" _Evangeline there is no one else I would want to wear these pearls. They were special to my mother since my father gave them to her. You are special to me. I know that I have a difficult time expressing my feelings but I hope in some small way that my giving you these pearls let's you know how I feel. I'm working at expressing myself more Evangeline. Please be patient with me."_

I never said that to her. I should have. It was what I was feeling but just couldn't say it./

I wake refreshed and remember the dream about Evangeline's birthday. How could I have been such a fool? Always thinking that I was not worthwhile to have her love made me squander it and now what do I have, nothing? 'You're the woman I want yesterday, today and tomorrow'. I said that to her and didn't live by it. John you were an idiot. She told you that if there were a chance for a relationship with you that she would stick with you forever and she would have. She would have been with you and not with Christian Vega and she would be alive now. So in a way you are responsible for her death like Eli Bennett is. Maybe you should also be locked away somewhere for your crime. Stop it John! Evangeline wouldn't want me to do this to myself. She was so forgiving and I have to forgive myself.

\

Work today doesn't' seem so stressful. Just knowing that Evangeline was thinking about me when we were apart has brightened my day. I look forward to tonight when I can read another of her letters.

 **A/N:** Have a least two different endings for this story and neither of them are my usual happy endings. Probably won't have more than six chapters in total.


	3. Chapter 3

**Un-betaed**

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 **Dear John letters**

 **Chapter 3 Letter two and realizations**

Work today took a lot out of me. Even though I started the day with a feeling of euphoria just thinking about Evangeline's letter that gradually changed into a feeling of drudgery as case after case piled up on my desk. Crime never stops for anyone or anything. Appearing in court is not one of my favorite things and that is what I had to do at the end of my day. So I am drained and just ready for bed. A nice hot shower and a hot meal make me feel a little better.

Settling down in bed I take the stack of letters and place them on my lap. I decided not to read them in any order. I pick a letter from the stack randomly and place the other letters back in the nightstand. The letter with the kiss that I read last night I put at the bottom of the stack. After I read the letter for tonight I will put it at the bottom of the stack and will continue that method until I have read every letter.

I am excited about what I will read tonight. A smile fills my face because I feel that this is my special time with Evangeline. It's just the two of us in our own little world. That time that I went to her apartment to tell her that I still wanted her. I was drunk. It didn't go how I had planned but I do remember her asking me why I could not see myself as she saw me, _'the man who can take me in his arms and make me forget about the rest of the world'_. I had it all right there and then and blew it. Don't do that John. Just relax and see what she has to say tonight.

' _Dear John,_

 _We don't know each other that well so I have no idea how we wound up making love in Mary Barnes' basement. I don't do things like that. I never have before. We talked about our past and the hurts and how we keep things hidden. In a way I guess you can say we are kindred spirits. Maybe what happened between us last night was just two kindred spirits just trying to connect with someone. We're both adrift in this world and we latched on to each other to stop ourselves from floating away into nothingness._

 _The heat of us together was something I have never felt before. I don't regret it and I don't apologize for it. It was a one time thing I know but I must say that it was exhilarating, for me anyway._

 _Evangeline'_

I will never forget that night. Our reactions caught me by surprise. My body is reacting now to the memory of that night. I never regretted that night with Evangeline. Although I had never done anything so spontaneous before it felt so natural to me. And no Evangeline, it was not a one-time thing. It developed into much more and could have been something great if I had just opened myself up to the possibility. I drift off to sleep with the letter still in my hand.

(Dreaming)

/We wake to Mary Barnes standing before us watching us. We are so embarrassed and apologize to her for our appearance. We get dressed and then talk with her about her case. Not sure what to say to each other we go our separate ways. The next day I see her at the diner and we talk about our night in Mary Barnes' basement. We both admit that we've never done anything like that before. I tell her that I have no regrets and would like to see her again. She agrees that perhaps we should see where this will lead but let's take things slowly. I take that to mean no more 'making love' and she then says, 'that means no more sex'. Let's see if we are more than sex she says. I ask her what's wrong with having sex if we both consent. She replies that she does not consent to just sex. She's not one to have sex without some feelings involved. I agree even though as a man I can have sex without feelings. We discuss date ideas and make plans to meet in a few days./

The next morning I think to myself, here we go again. Things that I should have said that I never said. Will this happen with each letter that I read. Did I ever get anything right when I was with Evangeline? You don't get it John. This is your time to get it right. These letters are allowing you to open up inside and discover the things that were inside all along but you were afraid to express. These letters are acting as a trigger to release thoughts hidden inside that are now being revealed to you. Don't fight them just let them out. It is to your benefit. Whew! Where did that come from? I've never thought of it that way before now. Maybe these letters **are** revealing deep-seated thoughts that I never allowed to manifest themselves.

/

Today work is a little better and for some reason it doesn't feel such a chore. It's a busy as yesterday was but there is something different or maybe I am different today. Whatever it is I will take it. Well let me leave to check on a case. I have to interview a few witnesses and finish my report for Bo.


	4. Chapter 4

**Un-betaed**

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 **Dear John letters**

(This time John's dream takes a bit of a turn. Let me know if it makes sense to you.)

 **Chapter 4 Letter three and revelations**

Arriving late back to my apartment I only have strength enough to shower and make it to bed before falling asleep. I don't read a letter tonight.

Something feels strange this morning. What is it? Oh I know now. I didn't dream last night. Well that happens sometimes so I don't think that it means anything. Let me get up and get dressed and head out to work.

Several hours into my workday my brother Michael stops by to visit.

" _Hey John do you want to have lunch with me? We can go to the diner for a quick meal. I know how you skip lunch most days so I thought that I might convince you to eat with me. What do you say?"_

" _Sure Michael, come on let's go. I want to talk about something with you anyway."_

We make it to the diner and sit at a table in the back for a little privacy. Placing our order we wait for our food. I use that time to talk with Michael.

" _Michael, a few days ago I received a package from Mrs. Williamson. Evidently she found a box with my name on it and sent it to me. Before you ask it was some things of mine that Evangeline had and Mrs. Williamson didn't want to throw them away so she sent them to me."_

" _So what were they John?"_

" _Some clothes, jewelry and letters. She wrote letters to me but never mailed them."_

" _Wow! So have you read any of the letters and if so what did they say."_

" _Yes, I've read two of the letters but I don't want to say what they are about because they are personal. But what I want to ask you is that since I read the first letters I've had dreams about the things that she talked about in the letters but the things that happen in my dreams are totally different than what actually happened."_

" _That's not so unusual John. Maybe your dreams are trying to correct something that you did wrong in real life or projected an alternative to what happened in real life. The letters probably triggered your subconscious and now it is reacting to that trigger. I wouldn't worry about it."_

" _That what I thought Michael so I'm glad that I was not mistaken on my conclusion. I made a lot of mistakes with my relationship with Evangeline and wish that I could have done things differently. At least now in my dreams it seems that I have that opportunity."_

" _So John that's a good thing. I was really sorry to hear about Evangeline's death. I'm glad that Eli Bennett is locked away. Evangeline deserved so much better than what happened to her. I miss her."_

" _I do too Michael more than I thought I would. We broke up so many years ago but with these letters it seems like no time has passed. Well let's eat and get back to work."_

Michael returns to the hospital and I return to the precinct. Have a meeting with Bo to decide who will attend the public safety expo in Harrisburg this year. Antonio and Cerutti are chosen to attend. It works well to send different people each year so that the officers can experience such an event. This will allow me more time to finish my cases and not worry about traveling and work piling up while I'm away.

/

Continuing with my routine of choosing a random letter I notice that the envelope on this one is warped as if some water dropped on it. The writing on the front is jerky not smooth and concise like the other two letters.

' _Dear John,_

 _I hate you! I hate you so much! How could you do that to me! How could you rescue her first instead of me! All that talk about wanting me was a lie and your constant assertion that the two of you are only friends was all hogwash. You definitely made your choice that night didn't you. Now she's gone again and you're going crazy. When you came to see me in the hospital I thought that you were coming to see how I was and to comfort me but you interrogated me like I was some perp or something. How dare you! I hate you! I never thought that I could hate someone as much as I hate you right now!_

 _I hurt so much right now. I want to make you hurt like I hurt. How could I love someone like you? What a fool I was to think that maybe just maybe you loved me even if you couldn't say it but you said it to her and now your actions clearly showed me that you wanted her all along.'_

D*** I messed things up so badly. Evangeline had every right to hate me. I hated myself. I told her that I was sorry that her just being with me put her in danger but the words were hollow and she knew it. There was no way that I could explain or defend my actions in either the rescue or non-rescue and the interrogation later at the hospital. Now I understand why the envelope is warped. She probably cried writing this letter. Evangeline is not a hateful person and it must have really taken a lot out of her to write this letter expressing her disdain. I deserve it though and more.

Sleep doesn't come easily tonight and I replay that scene in my head so many times before I finally doze off.

(Dreaming)

 _/"Hello John."_ What where am I? Who is talking to me? I'm in the Love Center gymnasium. I look around and everything looks normal. I haven't been here since seeing Evangeline here after she was released from the hospital. To say that it holds painful memories for me is an understatement. Then I hear it again, _"Hello John."_ I turn around and can't believe what I see before me.

" _So you finally made it to the letter about the non-rescue. There was so much gut wrenching pain in that letter I knew that it would be the one to bring you here."_

" _Is this real? Are you really here Evangeline?"_

" _This is your dream John so you tell me if I am real."_

" _Why now after all of these years?"_

" _Only you can answer that question John. Why did you bring us here John? My letter is only the conduit you are the conductor. What do you have to say to me? You brought me here for some reason."_

I don't understand what she's saying. How did I bring us here? I read her letter and fell asleep and now I find myself in a dream with her in it but she looks real. Then two chairs appear and we sit down. Now I realize what I must do.

" _Evangeline I know that I told you that I am sorry for the hurt that I caused you."_

" _I don't believe you John. I didn't believe you then and I don't believe you now. You hurt me more than anyone ever did. Even Christian's rejection was nothing compared to what you did to me. When I wrote that letter I meant every word. I hated you._ _ **BUT**_ _at the same time I still loved you and wanted you to love me but you never did. So why bring us here John?"_

" _Because this is the place where I made the biggest mistake of my life. My rescuing Natalie first ended whatever chance I had of winning you back. It didn't matter whether Natalie was succumbing to the fire and you were not. In your eyes, and everyone else's, I rescued her first and therefore I must have loved her more that I loved you. But I didn't love her more than I loved you. I regret what I did Evangeline. I regret that it hurt you and ended my hope of ever getting you back. When I met with you in the hospital I didn't show you how upset I was because I had to keep it together to solve the case. I wanted to comfort you but if I had I would have broken down and would not be any help to anyone. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I needed to stay aloof from you for your own protection. The KCK targeted you because of your involvement with me. If I acted like you were nothing to me then maybe he would leave you alone. I was wrong. I was wrong about everything."_

" _Good."_

" _How is that good Evangeline?"_

" _It's good John because you realize the error of your ways. That's step 1."_

She then vanishes and I stand alone in the gymnasium wondering what just happened./

This morning when I awake I remember everything about the dream and how real everything seemed. If nothing else I finally got to say to Evangeline something that I should have said so many years ago.

 **A/N:** So what do you think? John has some serious thinking to do. Thnx for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

**Un-betaed**

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

(Trying something a little different with my writing and need your assistance. My stories center on OLTL couple Evangeline Williamson and John McBain. I want to offer my readers an opportunity to suggest a storyline for one of my stories. I want at least five (5) suggestions and I will choose one on which to base a story. If I receive over ten (10) suggestions then I will try to write two (2) stories based on the chosen suggestions. If you are interested check my profile for my contact info and send to me your suggestion. Looking forward to hearing from you folks. Thnx for your time and assistance.)

 **Dear John letters**

(The dreams still seem surreal to John but surprisingly enough he relishes the experience of seeing Evangeline again and talking with her.)

 **Chapter 5 Letter four and the darkness**

Michael decides to check in John since his schedule at the hospital and his life with Marcie doesn't allow him a lot of free time. As usual he finds John at his office deep in work files.

" _Why am I not surprised to find you deep in work as usual John? Do you ever leave this office? There is a life outside of these walls you know and when was the last time that you had a home cooked meal and I don't mean take out from the diner?"_

" _Hello to you too Michael, what brings you this way and I know it's not to check up on me because I know that you have better things to do than that?"_

" _Well you are wrong because that is exactly why I am here. I came to invite you to dinner on Friday night. Marcie will cook and you will eat. So show up at 7:00 p.m. or I will find you and it will not be pretty."_

" _All right Michael I won't argue with you about that. I will see you on Friday at 7 p.m. now let me get back to work."_

Wow that was easier than I thought for I was sure that John would give me a hard time about the invitation but I'm glad that he didn't. He seems a bit more agreeable than I expected. I'll have to talk with him about this change in him. Let me go and get back to work.

\

My long work hours and exhaustion once I make it home have prevented me from reading any more of Evangeline's letters the last few nights. There are only two more left and I want to savor them. Spending the time with her while I read her letters and then dreaming about her too just gives me more time with her and I didn't realize how much I missed her.

' _Dear John,_

 _What's the old saying, 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me'? I have been such a fool for you. First I subject myself to be hypnotized to help you find Natalie and that definitely was not to my advantage and then second I wait around to talk to you after Michael and Marcie's wedding and end up blind, shame on me. What is it about you that had me doing such crazy things? Neither of these actions was to my advantage and yet I subjected myself to both because of you and what did I gain from either of them. The other saying is 'love makes you do foolish things' but those two were beyond foolish they were beyond my explanation. What did I gain from either of them? It definitely was not your love and that was all I ever wanted. What was I to you John, just a nice lay, a good time? I don't' even know myself anymore. Your rejection caused me to make mistakes that I never would have made. Why in the world would I, if I were in my right mind, get involved with Christian Vega? He offered me nothing and worst of all he was another man tainted by Natalie Buchanan. I look back at that time with him and I think that someone must have brainwashed me too or aliens captured me and they replicated me, an Evangeline with no common sense. Even after I regained my sight I still couldn't see clearly to get myself out of that relationship with Christian. That wasn't love that was foolishness and desperation to have someone love me. Someone to love me like you never did. It all leads back to you John. What I didn't find in you I looked for in Christian and it wasn't' there either but he said the words, 'I love you', and I was swept up in them not realizing that I was drowning in nonsense. I was drowning in the nonsense of just having someone to say the words and convincing myself that I felt them but I never did. I convinced myself that I did but I knew in my heart that I did not truly love Christian, not the way that I loved you._

 _When we last talked when I stopped by to see you after the truck accident and you told me that you were thinking about me, my heart stopped for a moment but I quickly recovered. I was with Christian and I am not a cheater. But you want to know something John, after all of this time I still hoped that you would have come to me and asked for a second chance with me but you didn't. The time that you stopped by drunk before Natalie was rescued doesn't count. No I wanted you to choose me John. I still wanted you to come to me sober and ask for me to give you another chance and for you to tell me that you loved me too but you never did. That left a hole in me John. A hole that nothing or no one else could fill.'_

I hang my head in shame. This beautiful vibrant woman was brought to such depths by my inadequacies. My lack of courage and determination had such a dire effect on Evangeline and I never knew how much damage I had done in her life. All she offered me was her love and I spurned her, cast her aside for what? Natalie definitely was not worth all of the pain that I inflicted on Evangeline. But I didn't know the extent of the hurt that I caused her until now. She never said anything to me until now in this letter. I'm glad that I didn't eat because I would have thrown it up by now. My stomach is churning like a volcano and my head hurts from thinking about the pain that Evangeline must have felt seeing me around town with Natalie. But she's gone now and no longer in pain. I will never be able to make up to her for all of the damage that I have caused. I never told her that I loved her and that I missed her in my life. This night the reading of her letter does not bring me peace. This is the first night that I find that a drink might help me to relax. Usually her letters have that effect on me but tonight a glass of whiskey, followed by another glass of whiskey allow me to fall asleep.

(Dreaming)

/How did I get on the roof of my apartment building? I really must have had too much whiskey. I look over in the corner and see pillows on a blanket and a television set up for viewing. This reminds me of the time Evangeline and I sat on the roof and watched a movie that she said, _'everyone should view'_. I sit on the blanket and lie back with my head on one of the pillows.

" _You're late John."_ Evangeline walks up to me and sits down next to me.

" _What do you mean that I am late? I'm dreaming right? Your letter was hard to read and I feel so bad about all of your pain. I'm sorry Evangeline. I keep saying that don't I? I'm so ashamed at how I treated you. You never did anything to hurt me and it seems that all I did was hurt you."_

" _You're late John."_

" _Why do keep saying that I am late, late for what?"_

" _I don't have much time John, you have to hurry, and you're late!"_

" _I don't understand. Tell me what I must do?"_

" _I can't John you have to figure it out for yourself. Don't you know already? You brought us here on this rooftop I didn't. This is your dream. What do you want to make of it? Stop saying you are sorry and do something about it. I don't have much more time."_

This time I have no idea what to do. How am I late and late for what? Why doesn't she have more time? This is my dream so I can dream about her forever if I want so why is she in a hurry?

 **A/N:** You've read it this far you can read it to the end. Don't forget to send your storyline suggestions. Thnx again for reading and reviewing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Un-betaed**

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 **Dear John letters**

(Okay it may not be what you expected but it is what it is. This chapter is a bit longer than the others. Thnx for reading)

 **Chapter 6 The reveal and decision made**

Things now happen in a flurry. I awake with a hangover. Going to the bathroom for a shower and to take a few aspirin to relieve the pain in my head I notice something off in my room. Not quite able to determine just what is different about my room I complete my shower, take the aspirin and go to the kitchen to prepare myself some breakfast. When I arrive in the kitchen there is a plate of eggs, sausage and toast on the table. How did that get there? Am I so out of it that I don't remember making breakfast? I sit and eat and then dress for work.

Arriving at the station the bullpen in busy with officers processing new arrests and I quickly move to my office. I turn on my computer to check my emails. Once that is done I check my phone for voice messages. All clear and then I start on the pile of files on my desk.

My thoughts go back to last night and Evangeline's letter and my weird dream. What did it all mean? No time for my mind to wander now I have too much work to do. Not making much of a dent on the pile of files on my desk I decide to take a break for lunch. I can't think clearly and I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday. I order in and sit at my desk with my food. I try not to think about Evangeline but without success. I still don't understand why she kept saying that I was late and that she doesn't have much time. Usually when we talk in my dreams everything is straightforward and I understand what she is saying and what I must do but last night was totally different, totally different. Wait! It was totally different and shorter than the other times.

 **BEEP, BEEP, RING, RING, BEEP, BEEP**

" _He seems to be coming to doctor!"_

" _Check his vitals!"_

" _How is this possible? He passed out and has been in a coma for weeks and now he's gaining consciousness. Does anyone know what brought this on?"_

" _Let his brother know that he's regained consciousness and page the psychiatrist and neurosurgeon, STAT."_

\

The doctors examine their patient, question him and then invite his brother to join them in the patient's room.

" _Dr. McBain we've invited you in while we continue to assess your brother's condition. He's been in a coma for several weeks now and we have not been able to determine what caused it. Usually some traumatic incident or injury has such effect on the body but you said that you found him on the floor of his apartment. Is that correct?"_

" _Yes that is correct but now that he has regained consciousness perhaps he can tell us what brought this on."_

" _You are right Dr. McBain, would you like to start the questions?"_

" _Yes I would thank you. John what is the last thing that you remember?"_

" _Michael why am I in the hospital? I was sitting at my desk eating lunch and the next thing I know I wake up here. What happened to me?"_

" _John you were found in your apartment passed out on the floor. When you didn't make it into work Bo grew concerned and called me. I went to your apartment and Roxie let me in and we found you unconscious on the floor. We called for an ambulance and brought you to the hospital. You've been unconscious since then and that was at least two weeks ago. We tried to revive you but you slipped into a coma. Just an hour ago you came out of the coma and we have no idea what caused the coma in the first place. Your fall to the floor wasn't heavy enough to cause any trauma to your brain but you still would not revive until now. What happened John?"_

" _I don't understand Michael. I've been working for the last few weeks. We solved the Eli Bennett case so I decided to go home. I stopped by the diner to pick up something to eat and went home. I had a package from Mrs. Williamson when I arrived and took it up to my room. I've been at work for the past few weeks."_

" _John there was no package in your room. I'll check with Roxie about the package but you have not been at work for the past few weeks. You have been in the hospital."_

The neurosurgeon interrupts the two brothers and orders John to radiology for some scans. The orderly takes him out and the doctors confer. Something happened to John to cause this but they are still not sure what it is. John returns and the neurosurgeon reviews the scans. No brain damage, no anomalies and nothing to account for John's coma. He concludes that his services are no longer needed and leaves John in the care of his brother and the psychiatrist.

They talk with John about the last few weeks and then Michael determines that he needs to contact Roxie Balsam about this package that John asserts that he received. Roxie states that John did not receive a package from anyone and she would have remembered because she has everyone sign for any and all packages so that they can't say that they didn't receive something sent to them. She checked her files for that day and days after and there was not a package for John McBain. Michael even calls Layla Williamson and asks her if her mother sent a package to John. Layla didn't know but calls her mother and asks and her mother was indignant saying that she wouldn't give John McBain the time of day. Michael was even more confused now. How can John think that Mrs. Williamson sent a package to him and what did John believe was in the package?

Sitting in John's room Michael and Dr. Crosby, the psychiatrist, ask John what was in the package that he says that he received. John tells them all that he remembers about receiving the package, reading the letters and the dreams that he had after reading each letter. Michael tells John that he spoke with Roxie and she said that he never received a package and Mrs. Williamson said that she never sent a package to him.

" _But how can that be? I remember it all just like I told you. Am I going crazy?"_

The psychiatrist interjects, _"John let's not diagnose without having all of the information. Clearly you believe that all of this happened and your brain evidently processed something traumatic enough for you to lapse into a coma. Let us take this step by step and help you to understand what happened. I suggest that you talk about what happened directly after solving the Eli Bennett case because it sounds like everything disrupted at that time."_

John tells how sad he was that Evangeline was injured and that Eli Bennett tricked Mrs. Williamson into terminate life support and now Evangeline is dead. John stops talking once he says the word 'dead'.

" _John what is it? Why did you stop talking?"_ Michael asked.

" _Evangeline's dead Michael and she's never coming back."_

" _But John she was in the coma for over three years and the prognosis was that she would never recover."_

" _But Michael she was still alive and even if she was in a coma she was still alive and there was a chance that she might recover from the coma. She's gone forever now."_

Before Michael can ask John any more questions Dr. Crosby takes the opportunity to ask about John's fixation on Evangeline Williamson.

" _John why does Evangeline's death have you so agitated?"_

" _I always held out hope that she would recover and come home."_

Dr. Crosby looked at John and Michael and said, _"John it appears that Evangeline Williamson's death and the knowledge that she will never return is the traumatic event that caused your collapse and subsequent coma."_

" _But why now Dr. Crosby? John and Evangeline haven't been together for years and with her in a coma for the last three years why would her death now have such a drastic effect on John?"_

" _Because Evangeline Williamson means more to your brother than even he knew. The loss of her triggered in his brain something unusual. Although she may have been absent physically for all of these years she was still alive and, even more importantly, alive in his mind. Closing the case of the man responsible for her death finalized her death in his mind and the pain of that closure was too much for him to bear so his brain shut down."_

" _Gee John I didn't know that Evangeline meant that much to you!"_

John doesn't respond to Michael's statement. He too had no idea that Evangeline meant that much to him. Nothing like this happened to him when Caitlin died and he thought that she was the love of his life.

Dr. Crosby uses John silence as a segue to the following, _"John why don't you and I schedule some sessions so that you can sort your way through what has happened to you. I am sure that you will need medical approval to return to work so let's use this time to come to some understanding as to why this happened and to sort out these dreams that you were having. They have some significance and I think that together we can determine their meanings."_

Michael looks at John for some reaction and John just nods his head. He doesn't know what to say but he does know that he wants to resolve this matter in his head and in his heart.

/

John spends several sessions with Dr. Crosby before the solution and cause manifests itself. It seems that out of all of the women with whom John had some type of relationship, Evangeline Williamson, was the one woman who made a definite mark on John's psyche and heart. All of those 'issues' that kept him bogged down for all of those years, the deaths of his father and fiancé and his involvement in the supposed death of Christian Vega, did not allow either his brain or his heart to recognize Evangeline's importance to him. By the time that he resolved those old issues she was lost to him, both through her relationship with another man and through her coma.

The scenarios in the dreams were evidence of the 'unfinished' business that John had with Evangeline. In that he never took the opportunity to resolve these matters with her while she was alive once it clicked in his brain that she was dead and never returning his brain shut off and decided to 'finish' what John never did in the physical realm. John still wondered why in the last dream Evangeline told him that he was running out of time, Dr. Crosby surmised that his brain knew that John would soon regain consciousness and then he would have no more time in the 'dream world'. Fortunately Dr. Crosby assured John that although what happened did appear to be a drastic reaction, the body is an amazing thing, especially the brain, and it has it's own way of fixing itself. Losing Evangeline was something that was broken in John and his body designed it's own solution to that problem. Dr. Crosby was confident that John would not experience any side effects from the coma and approved John's return to work.

/

John was back at work and once again into the thick of things. Cases, court, trainings and meetings took up his hours in the day. He still found time to go the gym and to boxing at Rourke's. Michael was still a little concerned and made a point to invite John to dinner at least once every other month. John didn't talk about what happened with anyone. All that the job knew was that he had some trauma but that now everything was resolved. The other officers were glad to have him back and he was glad to be back.

After the sessions with Dr. Crosby, John realized that everything that happened was all his doing and in his mind. Nothing was real but he was glad anyway because even though he never got the chance to say all of those things to Evangeline in person somehow he felt that since he said them in his mind that at least was better than nothing. So now when he thinks about Evangeline he doesn't feel as sad because he finally worked his way through all of the guilt that he felt because of how he treated her.

So with that knowledge John goes on with his life. He still doesn't have a significant other but he does have his memories. And whenever he wants to reminisce all he as to do is **dream**. That is something that John decided not to share with anyone, not Dr. Crosby, not Michael and not with anyone. He doesn't want to let it go so he doesn't.

" _So you decided to come back. I am surprised. I didn't think that I would ever see you again."_

" _I lost you once I'm not willing to do it again. And if this is the only way that we can be together then so be it. I'd rather have you this way than to not have you at all."_

" _So what do you want to do now John?"_

" _Whatever you want to do Evangeline. I am all yours."_

 **THE END**

 **A/N: I know it's a bit 'out there' but I like it. Thnx for sticking with it until the end. Leave a review.**

 **Thnx for the overwhelming response to my request for storyline suggestions. Story is forthcoming.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Un-betaed**

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 **Dear John letters**

 **(Alternate ending)**

 **Chapter 7 End of the dream**

For months John rushed home each day to go to bed so that he could dream about Evangeline. As time passed he said and did all the things that he felt he should have done while she was alive. One day he decides to talk with Dr. Crosby about the dreams and why he did not divulge this before his therapy ended. He tells the doctor that it gave him comfort to be able to live a life with Evangeline through his dreams and since he's done that he can now move on with his life. Dr. Crosby tells John that he has made another major breakthrough and it is evidence that he can control his life now and live a full and healthy life not weighed down by all the guilt for things he didn't do.

John moves out of the Angel Square Hotel and moves into a loft apartment in a trendy section of Llanview. He receives a promotion to Assistant Commissioner to help Bo with all of the paperwork involved with being Commissioner and to act as supervisor for the detectives and special unit divisions. He smiles more and that surprises everyone who sees him. This new attitude is even reflected in his wardrobe that now includes brighter colors and not the usual dark hues.

He goes out on dates but still hasn't found 'the one' but he knows what he wants now and won't settle for less.

 **A/N: That is the end of this story.**

 **With the end of this story I will now take a rest. Since I started writing in July of 2018 I have posted over twenty-five stories. I enjoyed each and every one of those stories I want my writing to improve and at this time I don't feel that is happening. I will continue to write but I will not post any more stories. Sometimes I get two or three stories running around in my head at one time and try to write all three and in doing so something gets lost in the timbre of the story, or the characterization, or something and I am not satisfied with that lack of progress. Thnx to all of you who read any of my stories, all who left comments and reviews, all who added any of my stories to your alerts, follow, or favorites lists. I appreciate your support. Special thnx to DS2010, Blessed Soul, that.d***.pebbles, Tre and Sarah Anonymous. Your constant support encouraged me to continue writing and I am forever grateful to you for that.**


End file.
